I changed?

"I changed, you didn't". This was your explanation?  You changed how?  You got too important to be with me?  You're too hot now?  What????

I NEVER changed.  I have been the same man you married all along. The man who loved you, who had eyes only for you.  The man who fought like hell to get you better from migraines, who stood by you while you fought cancer.  I didn't think that needed changing. Obviously, I was wrong

I made you feel invisible?  In your mind maybe but NEVER in mine.  EVER.  

You have become someone I don't know.  Someone who finds herself too good for me, too good for someone who loved you no tater what.

Lost the ability to be happy

I don't think I can be happy.   I just can't feel it.  I used to be, I know I was.  Now??????

I had a date last night.  Trena and I had a nice time.  We talked we laughed and then reality crept in.  I guess it was reading that profile on POF that did it.  I realized how much I miss being in love.  Sounds Un-manly but that's it.  I miss being in love.  I miss being part of a whole I am incomplete. 

I hate being alone.  I wake up alone, I come home to an empty place.  I eat alone, think alone sleep alone.  It almost scares me to sleep alone.  I miss just knowing she's there.  I miss seeing her when I wake up and when I get home.

I almost want just to have sex with someone just so I won't feel so alone.  But I know it would be a mirage  i bet it's not an issue for her.  I bet mike is taking care of business.  Fucker.

The worst part is that I have no one who understands, no one to talk to about how I feel. No one who cares.

This hurts.

I hate"............

I hate my life, I hate myself and I hate YOU!  My life was good until you decided that the new, improved pinup picture version of you was too good for me.  Or I wasn't good enough for you.  Either way, I have tried to move on.  I have a place, stuff cats but I am empty.  Completely and totally empty.  I go nowhere, I do nothing.  My only wish is that I could just sleep forever.  Not die, just sleep.  When you sleep at least you have your dreams, I don't even have those.  

I try to go out and mingle.  I end up an island in a room of 50 people who pass by without a glance or make perfunctory comments just to be polite.  I am so utterly alone it hurts.  I try to mask it but it's hard to be happy when you're not.

To top it off you bring your "good friend" to graduation.  Thanks ,nothing like rubbing my nose in it.  Made you feel special I'll bet.  

I feel like I don't deserve to be happy or to be loved and appreciated.  I feel like a toy that the kid no longer wants.  I live in fear that my life will end alone, cold and miserable.  I guess that was God's plan for me all along.  Thanks for nothing Big Guy.

I Hate Mirrors

You know it really sucks sometimes to look into a mirror and see that the image you have seen for years has been a facade.  I always saw myself as a decent person who treated the people who were important to him like they were.  I chalked up my first divorce to having been too young, too broke and too overwhelmed to cope.  But, I was fooling myself.  I have been faced with the fact that I am emotionally distant or disconnected or stunted or something along those lines.  My emotional retardation has caused another person I cared for pain.  For that I am sorry.

It is hard to face the realization that you have been causing this much pain to so many people for so long.  It hurts when you are forced to confront your true self that only other people see.  It is hard to consider that maybe you would be better off keeping to yourself rather than hurt anyone else or feel the pain that seems to be my destiny.  I hate being the misfit toy or the dangerous defective product that hurts people.  Call me the HUMAN LAWN DART. 

Big workout today

Today, I decided to workout hard. I hit the treadmill for 60 minutes. I alternated between a 4.0 mph walk & 5.5 mph run. I used my IPod to alternate the pace. One song walk, one run. The best part was that I never knew how long each segment might be. I could run a 2 minute Ramones song and walk an 8 minute Metallica song or vice versa. It definitely was a good hard work out.

First weigh in

249.8 today, 31.9% body fat!

Day 2

I took the time to set up sharing for my Fitbit tracker and My Fitness Pal food tracker on FB so I can be accountable for everything I am doing.

Workout

Back to the gym I go. Been going but it doesn't do much when you eat badly. Today

3 sets 12 reps:
Leg curls 70 lbs
Cable row 75 lbs
Leg extensions 55 lbs.
Planks 30 second each
Dumbbell bench press 30 lbs.
Barbell curls 40 lbs
Tricep push down 80 lbs.

30 minutes interval runs 3.5 mph/6.0 mph

50 for 50

I am fat. There, I said it. They say admitting you have a problem is the first step. Well, I have taken the first step.

As of today I am 251.6 lbs, 32.1% body fat. My total cholesterol is 189. triglycerides 282(should be <150!, HDL =34( should be>40), LDL=99(should be <130). I have a fatty liver. I have to take statin meds and niacin supplements. Scared yet? I am.



This year is my 50th year on earth. I can't continue like this. It is unhealthy and dangerous. I want to be around for my wife and kids for a while more. To that end, I plan to blog everyday and make that blog public. I am not hiding any more.

My plan is to lose 50 lbs by my 50th birthday on October4. I am making myself accountable to everyone who reads my posts. I plan to make my food lists and exercise logs public as well. This is an absolutely necessary thing for me to do.